Love In The Time of Tequila


Tequila's past goes further back than your first black out and right into Mesoamerica. During ancient times, Mexico was ruled by temperamental gods who enjoyed trolling humans and getting drunk on fermented agave called Pulque. Pulque evolved into modern-day tequila and my excuse for bad behavior. But before anyone could get wasted, there was a love story that made it all possible. This is that story… well my version of it.


When the Aztec gods ruled Mexico, they did so fearlessly with little regard towards human life. Humans were merely created to worship, serve, and fight for the deities. Failure to fulfill their desires would lead to doom and destruction- basically me on shark week. The gods were loved as much as they were feared. To keep them happy, the Aztecs would deliver many offerings, most notably human sacrifice- also, me on shark week.


On a cloud in a far corner of the cosmos, lived Mayahuel, a young goddess who expressed her need for love and passion by singing into the universe. Mayahuel was a goddess-hottie, but if we have learned anything from history is that there is always someone threatened by beauty. Cue Tzitzímitl, Mayahuel’s domineering grandmother. Tzitzímitl was determined to guard her granddaughter’s beauty and virtue from the other promiscuous gods- why? Idk.

What I do know is that Tzitzímitl was not a woman to be fucked with. During solar eclipses, when the moon would swallow the sun, Tzitzímitl would come unto the earth and devour humans, keeping their hearts as trophies for her hunt. She would tie the hearts together and wear them around her neck like a necklace. After all, Yves Saint Laurent did say that accessories are what pull a whole look together!


One evening, the god of the wind, Ehecatl, heard Mayahuel’s siren song and was so captivated that he set off to search the corners of the universe to find her. It is not like he could slide into her DMs back then! He found Mayahuel sitting on her cloud and it was love at first sight. Just like the guys at the club used to do in 2019 B.C. (Before Covid), he started dancing on her. They grinded among the moon and stars falling madly in love. Night after night the lovers would sneak off to dirty dance in the sky while traveling on his breeze.

In true young love fashion, Mayahuel got caught because she lost track of time. Enraged, Tzitzímitl decided to just forgo grounding her granddaughter and began plotting her demise- this is what happens when you can’t take away their iPhone. Ehecatl overheard Tzitzímitl’s plans to kill his lover, because wind is everywhere (duh!), and decided they were gonna peace out to go live on earth. He enveloped Mayahuel in a gust of wind and swept her away. As they floated down, they embraced, and their bodies melted in passion (bow chicka wow wow) and they transformed into a beautiful plant- the Agave.


The Agave became a symbol of passion and fruitfulness for the Aztecs- they celebrated this love by fermenting the plant and getting wasted with the gods. So next time you sip on (or shoot) tequila, remember its mythological heritage and raise a glass to Ehecatl and Mayahuel’s love. Without their “embrace” we would have fewer regrets and many boring nights.









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